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Our old friend, Wm. H "Bill" Fenton, recently retired from the phone company
and, to help fill his days, now accompanies his wife on her shopping trips to
the local Wal-Mart.
We know Bill and, therefore, can only speculate that extreme boredom has led to
his recent disruptive behaviour at the local Wal-Mart...
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning the
entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all
incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counselling from the trouble your husband
has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
below.
Mr. Wally Worrywart
President
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while
his spouse/partner is shopping:
- 1. June 15, took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
- 2. July 2, set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
- 3. July 7, made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
- 4. July 19, walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3 in House wares..." and watched what happened.
- 5. August 4, went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.
- 6. September 14, moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
- 7. September 15, Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
- 8. September 23, When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks, " Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
- 9. October 4, Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
- 10. November 10, While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
- 11. December 3, Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
- 12. December 6, In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
- 13. December 18, Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
- 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
- (And; last, but not least!)
- 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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