1) An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because that's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 50 years ago!"

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant... " I have turtle recall..."

~~~~~

2) Little Johnny's teacher found Little Johnny in the playground studying something in his hand.

He leaned closer while Little Johnny held the tiny object up to the light, saying, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the teacher asked, "What do you have there?" Little Johnny replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The teacher responded, "Let me take a look."

So Little Johnny handed it over and the teacher rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

Little Johnny replied, "Out of my nose..."

~~~~~

3) I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhh, I'm like you , just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No... I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

~~~~~

4) I quite like this one...

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane.

When the stranger turned to the boy he said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

Ok" said little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff, Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said little Tommy...

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shite...?"

~~~~~

5)

The patient is adamant... "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."

"What makes you think you need all these?"

Well, replied the patient... "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized..."

~~~~~

6) I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together 20 years ago.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

~~~~~

7) A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize... to people who are out standing in their field..."

~~~~~

8) While the prophet Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area.

Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.

It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan...

~~~~~

9) It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and haemorrhoids.

The grey hair makes you look distinguished - and the haemorrhoids make you look concerned!

~~~~~

10) A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies..."

"You just happened to catch my eye..."

~~~~~

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