1) Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" Mildred hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital... with a gunshot wound to her knee...

~~~~~

2) This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site.

Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.

Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced one I- beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.

While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang.

The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.

The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident.

They talked to the ground crew. "I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.

"Sex related? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.

"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go...!?'"

~~~~~

3) An old man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

He walked up to the man and laughingly asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

The old Chinese man replied with a smile...

"Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers..."

~~~~~

4) Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years.

After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.

The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.

And then he asked, What about your son?

The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all.

He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends...?

(There's a moral in there somewhere)

~~~~~

5) Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET...!"

~~~~~

6) When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up... and instead left them to their own devices...

~~~~~

7) Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

''Who is it?''

''It's Paul''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring Paul?''

''Hashish from Morocco''

''Very well son, come in.''

''Who is it?''

It's Mark''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring Mark?''

''Marijuana from Colombia''

''Very well son, come in.''

''Who is it?''

''It's Matthew''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring Matthew?''

''Cocaine from Bolivia''

''Very well son, come in.''

''Who is it?''

''It's John''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring John?''

''Crack from New York''

''Very well son, come in.''

''Who is it?''

''It's Luke''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring Luke?''

''Speed from Amsterdam''

''Very well son, come in.''

''Who is it?''

''It's Judas''

Jesus opens the door.

''What did you bring Judas?''

''The FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!''

~~~~~

8) Have you anything to say or yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case.

"Fuck all," muttered the defendant.

"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing.

The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!' your worship."

That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move..."

~~~~~

9) There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven, he decided to stop there for the Night.

The proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven." He continued, "We are pretty far in the country. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. They should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food.

A gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even served an excellent home-cooked dinner to him; and she kept asking him if there was anything else he wanted.

Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in.

"I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if there is anything you want."

"I don't think so, thank you," he said pleasantly.

When he had finally climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep, the door opened again to admit a redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation.

"What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient, "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds..."

~~~~~

10)

An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive.

She was an accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture.

She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune on the piano.

"Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave out the bit where the lightning strikes the shithouse...?
 

Please Read: Site and links may contain mature humour. LEGAL DISCLAIMER: So that you don’t do a rottweiller on me in court: Do not forward salacious or mature content to a minor in your country. I claim no copyright to the material in the site articles, except where I state I wrote or designed it. Copyright, patent or trademarks remains with the owner of any works in these site articles without reservation. When forwarding material, please leave any copyright information intact.