1) Tony came home from work one evening and there was his wife, Lynne, in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What's the matter, Darling?" he asked, trying to console her in between loud sobs.

"I just don't know what to do," said Lynne, "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a really special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."

"Awww...don't worry pet," said Tony..... "We'll get us another dog..."

~~~~~

2) A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave..." he replied.

~~~~~

3) There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is known around the world for producing the finest stationery and paper anywhere.

You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to Pfilzerplatz.

Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem - the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to overrun the city.

So the higher-ups of Munich organized a new department to get rid of the dogs.

Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out of the city.

No one knew where they went - they just went away.

A couple of days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared in Pfilzerplatz.

And because Pfilzerplatz is so much smaller than Munich, the town was soon totally overrun with the dogs.

So the town's mayor decided that the town should be evacuated.

Everyone left the town, thus shutting down the paper mills.

Well, a couple of days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper mills.

Knowing that there weren't any humans left in the town, they knew it was the dogs running the factories.

And so the mayor rushed off to Munich, found Munich's mayor and announced:

"You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich...!"

(very, very, bad, innit?)

~~~~~

4) I came down with laryngitis last week.

This was the day our fifth grade class was going on a field trip to the zoo and I did not want to miss it, so I went to school in spite of having lost my voice.

The highlight of the visit to the zoo was the time we spent in the petting zoo.

While I was petting a baby Shetland Pony, my teacher asked, "How are you feeling today?"

I responded, "I'm feeling a little horse..."

~~~~~

5) Two elderly ladies were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the buses run late. I've been sitting here so long that my arse has fallen asleep."

To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring..."

~~~~~

6) A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.

All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.

A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie."

The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone.

He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary..."

~~~~~

7) Beckham, Giggs & Cole were training on a Wednesday afternoon when Cole says, 'why don’t we skive off? The boss leaves at noon on Wednesdays & never calls or rings or nowt, he’d never know!'

They all skived off & Cole went to the pictures, Giggs went to the zoo and Beckham thought he would surprise his missus.

He arrived home to find Alex Ferguson wedged firmly up Posh Spice.

Next Wednesday afternoon, Cole suggested they skive off again, Giggs agreed but Beckham said:

“No chance mate, I nearly got caught last week!”

~~~~~

8) A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits," he says.

"You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!"

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off," he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms.

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"O.K., one more chance," says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's the matter, love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off," she yells.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she screams.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with some bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...!"

~~~~~

9) A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."  But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N  A  B A G E L"

~~~~~

10) A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon.

He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship.

About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain "How have you coped all that time on your own?" "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it's, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!" "Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles... but then we got out of step..."

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