1) A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself she must be a flight attendant... so gorgeous. Which airline does she work for?

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, not Delta.

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned toward her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next, he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the f**k do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back into his chair and said... "Ah ha! Air France!"

~~~~~

2) A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for £60.

The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet. The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?" "No," replied the parrot's owner...

"He was dead when I took his head out of the vice..."

~~~~~

3) The first thing Fred says as he sees the doctor is: "Please don't laugh".

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen... It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, It's swollen," Fred replied...

~~~~~

OK, OK... This one is old - but I like it!

4) This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it  and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission.

He goes to Ralph's Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him.

Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read...

" ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

~~~~~

5) Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, hurting himself badly.

Looking down at the battered body of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.:"

Wait - there's more!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, Watch dis," Knut says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the  cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the  parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting  either."

Wait - there's even more!

Ole is just getting over the shock of seeing his two friends badly hurt when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut's parrotshooting and now -= now Lars is Hengliding...!"

~~~~~

6) Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves.

Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.

"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly sod...?"

~~~~~

7) A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is.

He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the principal's office!"

The little boy goes up to the principal's office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?" The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!"

So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?"

His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!"

The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!"

99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and dies.

What's the moral of the story?

Look both ways before crossing the street....

(Well, that wasted five minutes of your life, eh?)

~~~~~

8) There's a young Arab boy about to turn 16, his father is a wealthy oil baron. The day before his birthday, the father asks his son, "What would you like for your 16th birthday?"

The boy says "Father I want a woman."

"Can your penis reach your asshole?" asks the father.

"No", his son says.

His father says, "Then you shall receive a new car."

His 17th birthday comes and the same thing happens.

On this 18th birthday the son thinks he's wizened up. His father asks what he wants and he says he wants a woman."Can your penis reach your asshole?" asks his father.

Thinking he's smart the son says, "Yes father it can!"

Then his father says, "If your penis can reach your arsehole, then what do you need a woman for...?"

~~~~~

9) Two old ladies were chatting one day and their subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said that when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage, she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, Maude! Comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an arsehole!"

~~~~~

10) A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped.

She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies...

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him...!"

 

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