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Jokes 006 | |
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1) A shabbily dressed, elderly couple went into McDonalds, they ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we don't eat much and we really are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What are you waiting for?" She answered... " THE TEETH..." ~~~~~ 2) Subject: Symptoms of Bird Flu The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shite on someone's windshield... ~~~~~ 3) A Cute Puppy A travelling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy. Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals." In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he re-boarded the plane. The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick. However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright. He answered, "Well, actually, I have a confession to make... you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it on-board anyway." "But sir," said the stewardess, "why do you look so ill?" "Well, apparently, it seems the damned thing isn't weaned yet!" ~~~~~ 4) Nookie Green A guy goes to confession and says "father forgive me I had sex with Nookie Green". Father says I forgive you, now go say 5 hail Mary's and do public service and I'll see you Sunday. The guy goes away. Another guy comes in to confess "father forgive me I had sex with Nookie Green". Again Father says say 5 hail Mary's and do public service and I'll see you Sunday. Sunday rolls around and Father was at the pulpit ready to give the sermon when a BEAUTIFUL woman comes in and sits in the front row with her legs slightly apart. Father leans over to an alter boy and asks: "is that nookie green?" No father - I think that's just a reflection from her shoes... ~~~~~ 5) Tiger Woods A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods... to find out what the par is for this damn hole!" ~~~~~ 6) Viagra Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. 10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this 50.00." The next morning the son found 110.00 under his pillow. The son said "I told you each pill was 10.00, not 110.00." I know," said Grandpa... "The hundred is from Grandma." ~~~~~ 7) Oh Mother! A worried Mrs. Melnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" ~~~~~ 08) Big Lass A rather large, heavy housewife, is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the
kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" "Stand up, you soft owd sod... You're kneeling on one of your tits...!" ~~~~~ 09) Get Me A Film Honey My grandsons wife, Anna asked her honey, Bill, if he'd mind stopping at the video store on his way home from work to pick-up the movie 'Scent Of A Woman'. Knowing he was a bit absent minded Anna suggested he write the name down, but Bill said he'd remember. When he brought the film home Anna almost hit him over the head with the mop she had been using, when she noted the title on the film he came back with... It was a 'Fish Called Wanda'... ~~~~~ 10) Marriage Seminar While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered... "It's Pillsbury, isn't it dear?" |
