1) Rainbow Condoms

A young guy went into a large store for a pack of condoms. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant. "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colours."

"I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously.

Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, Madam?"

"The blue one," The young man said sadly.

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2) New Boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!'

To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."

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3) Rabbi Minski

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded, but he finds a vacant urinal to get some relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to him says, "You're Jewish?"

"Yes."

"You come from Tallahassee, Florida?"

"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"

"Yes. I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"

The man replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle, and you're peeing in my shoe!"

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4) Explain It Again

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, you should know something, The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a moment and says, "Nah..... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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5) Married In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?" When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer.

Two months pass and the couple is still waiting.

So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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6) Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'. The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.

He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem, boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead."

"Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?"

"Of course, boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal. Do you use your sheep for sex?"

"Oh, too right, boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you, well, do it?"

"Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven, boyo!"

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses: "Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to Australia.

Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer.

"Too right, mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange... I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them."

The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"

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7) Polar Bears

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?"

"Of course you are," His mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father, "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"

"Yes," said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"

"Yes, they are all real polar bears," said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.

"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm bloody freezing!"

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8) Avon Calling...

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer.

Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?" she asked.

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not quite sure, but it kind of smells like someone crapped under a Christmas tree..."

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9) Patient Sex

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single; just let it go."

But invariably, another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

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10) Erm... Not A Nice Thing To Say?

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:

• 1 Bar of Soap
• 1 Toothbrush
• 1 Tube of toothpaste
• 1 loaf of bread
• 1 pint of milk
• 1 apple
• 1 banana
• 1 orange
• 1 plum
• 1 grapefruit
• 1 tomato
• 1 lettuce
• 1 cabbage
• 1 baking potato
• 1 Kraft single
• 1 samosa
• 1 muesli bar
• 1 pie
• 1 frozen pizza
• 1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He's carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella lager, a pizza and some chocolate Wagon Wheels.

As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says...

"Because you're minging?"

(And for those not familiar with the word: http://www.freesearch.co.uk/dictionary/minging)

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