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Jokes 008 |
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1) Not Sure The newlywed couple arrived at the resort hotel, proceeded to the front desk and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" the receptionist inquired. The blonde bride thought for a second and then replied, "Well, I'm not too sure about anal yet..." ----- 2) Who Is It? Little Johnny was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father," she replied. "Then who's that old bald-headed fat bloke who lives with us now?" retorted Little Johnny... ----- 3) Operator Assistance There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. *crank* *crank* *ring* *ring*. "Operator." "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease." "Excuse me?" "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi." "I don't understand you, sir." "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!" "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down). The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam," he said. The telephone man said, "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone." Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. *crank* *crank* *ring* *ring*. "Operator." "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY AM!" "Well, get ready... Dere bringin' it in!" ----- 4) Railroad Complaint This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter. Gentlemen, I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter The reply to the above: Dear Sir, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways And the counter-reply was: Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Commuter ----- 5) Loud And Abusive A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Marks & Spencers with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The elevator operator says, "Good morning and welcome to Marks & Spencers - nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya fool?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter... "I just can't believe anyone would sleep with you twice!" ----- 6) Poor Bob Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says... "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time...!" ----- 7) The Easter Bunny A man was blissfully driving along, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same road saw the man crying and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? " The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, then turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: Hair spray Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave... (That's a real groaner). ----- 8) A Very Clever & Stunning Senior Moment! A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing... and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?" The applause was resounding... Don't you just love Senior Citizens?! ----- 9) Stormy Night It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering. "Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours.I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?" "Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire." The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida - who's come to stay for Christmas." After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down. About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would likea blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?" "Oh no, Walter I'm fine." "Well, what about a hot water bottle?" "No, no, there's really no need," he replied. "Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?" "My God! You certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped. "She's been down twice already...!" ----- 10) The Mind Reader One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For £50 I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within." So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons." "Er, yes," the young man said. "Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said. "Why?" said the young man. "It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see." So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man. Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face. I just knew you'd do something like that!" the young man shouts at the old man. "There you go then.. you are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be £50...." |
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