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Jokes 009 | |
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1) Lone Survivor The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a
bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday!" ----- 2) Joining the Marines As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an Marine recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked... "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" ----- 3) Not Drinking Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, and put a label on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said... "We're on the patch." ----- 4) Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday... ----- 5) Buying A Bra A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What colour?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said... "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears...?" ----- 6) Fat lass dress Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!" "Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?" "Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..." ----- 7) Old Age I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour... But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over... ----- 8) Vacation Time Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon. Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation." He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again!" Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year darn it... I'm taking Earline with me." ----- 9) Transplant There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!" ----- 10) There Are Always Two Ways Of Looking At Things... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." My God!" says my wife... "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!?" |
