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- My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught
him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
- A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.
- I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I
leave a house, I go out through the window.
- When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- How can there be self-help 'groups'?
- Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
- One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by
children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
- Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the
bathroom in a handicapped stall?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
- When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only
child... Eventually.
- Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
- Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?
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Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake...
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