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- A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything..."
- Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh'
and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane,
and everyone joins in".
- "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'well, that's a turn-up for the books."
- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
- "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time
and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third
time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a
policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off
the road.'
- So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Jehoover's witness".
- You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter...
- So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
- He said "You remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
- So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".
- So a lorry-load of Tortoises crashed into a trainload of Terrapins, I
thought "That's a Turtle disaster".
- Four fonts walk into my local bar. The barman says "Oi get out! We don't
want your type in here"
- Two peanuts walk into the same bar. One was asalted...
- A man walks into the bar a couple of days later, with a roll of tarmac
under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
- Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was
rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
- Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll
give you some cream to put on it."
- "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" .... "It's not unusual, he said."
- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong
currant.
- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't,
I've cut your arms off".
- I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
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